It’s been a full 6 months since my last post. Things in my personal and professional life have become seemingly more serious and online comments/blogging on this site began to feel less important compared to the discussions I was having off line. Blogs are great. There are many of them out there and they can offer quick antidotes about larger narratives but from my perspective my comments this year have been deeply personal and my rule about the blog is to keep things light and to stay away from serious subject matter incase I regret sharing thoughts I ultimately cannot take back. But the thing is, the readership for this blog is not very high so it still operates as a type of personal journal. And at the same time I still have to understand that the lens I share this under is not the same lens it may be received under when read – so it’s a good exercise about expressing my thoughts.
While this blog started with the idea of studying suburban life with a Canadian mindset, as of last month I have moved away from the Terwillegar neighbourhood and now live (from what I consider) in a more community minded area called King Edward Park (close to Bonnie Doon). This neighbourhood is closer to downtown and has a longer history of development, and I think the house has a bit more charm. I lived almost two years in the Terwillegar town house and only spoke to three neighbours over the duration of our stay. I waived to some who seemed familiar but no words, handshakes or names were exchanged. While Levi always relished the privacy and convenience to me it felt like there was less ownership and accountability. Plus I never really got into the sterile environment and always saw myself as an outsider trapped in a never ending carousel of someone else’s ideal view of what urban life should look like. I will say that their trail systems for walking and biking are fantastic though -and I will miss the opportunity to cross country ski to the LRT for work. That was an unexpected delightful surprise. Hopefully I can visit the trails in the summer along with discovering the river valley two blocks from my current doorstep.
This week I am 38 weeks pregnant. Nearly nine months. Hopefully I still have 2 weeks left before the baby arrives so I can fully prepare for his arrival – we are having a boy! I have been working a lot on professional and personal projects during this pregnancy, which has been a great distraction from the uncomfortableness but it has become hard to multi task and my preparation for the baby is not where I hoped it would be.
Today was my first official day off. Although I spent the entire day at my kitchen table working from home to complete a project I was still able to fit in a nap and some laundry so it’s a slight win. Today also happens to be Winter Solstice. My second favourite day, next to Summer Solstice because this means that this day will be the shortest in the year and every day after that will get longer and longer. The sun rose at 8:48 am and set at 4:14 pm. This also means we are having a winter baby, something a bit unplanned. I’m beginning to see the up side of the timing finally, such as the fact that I will be hibernating while learning to be a new mom when it is the coldest time of the year.
Levi and I have been married for nine years and we decided we could finally take this on but I have to confess we have encountered this experience with humorous trepidation. Usually I revel in taking risks without knowing the outcome but in this case I want to know that things will turn out. There are so many people on this planet – most of whom live in poverty and neglect and it feels selfish to contribute. But contributing we are none the less. It’s not that my youth wasn’t really terrible in comparison, but I hated depending on my parents. Even when I was six I had a suitcase packed just incase I had to leave if things went in a direction I didn’t want them to go. The suitcase contained some of my favourite dresses and a stuffed animal. I tried to use it only on a few occasions but they were unsuccessful attempts. My mom was really good at convincing me to stay.
Despite my hesitations I have a overwhelming suspicion that once he comes everything will fall into place. I feel deeply lucky that I am able to experience this transformation. Originally I did not think that that this was so much of a miracle since so many women do it. I thought if it was a miracle, shouldn’t there be less occurrences of it? But I have finally begun to realized while child birth is universal for a lot of woman, each experience is deeply personal. And this little boy shifting my ribs up and pushing down on my bladder at the same time while having hiccups, as he currently is now, is something only I can feel and it’s pretty amazing. For most of my life I have dwelled on death. The fear of my parents passing on, my grandma, Levi, our extended family, friends and so on. I detest good byes and believe that in a way it represents death/ultimate endings. Perhaps that is why I like architecture so much. It always has a great beginning with the threshold entrance, but never has the same drama when you exit the building as when you enter it. I have always tried hard to preserve memories rather than allowing them to drift in and out. For some reason I am not sure why I retain these values as I see the difficulty it provides me from moving on. But in this case I have realized that I am apart of something entirely new. I am at the beginning. I have watched this beginning grow in front of my eyes and still feel it within my body. It is truly awe inspiring. I will be at the beginning of this life and it is because of my decision, not others. That is an amazing thing. So I look forward to these next two supposed weeks I have. This is a big event for Levi and I and I hope to relish it as we get older and trust that the mistakes we make are character building for this little fox I am about to bring into this world.
These clothes are Levi’s original baby clothes! I have a few others that Levi’s kind mom passed on to us that she carefully preserved – which I hope to feature more of on this blog. The t-shirt shows Winnie the Pooh on the corner pocket and the Space Patrol onesie is perfectly styled along with my coincidentally colour coordinated belly which is also making a bit of a debut. The 80’s are back!
Our new home at 4:46 pm on December 21, 2015