9.5 month mark – beginning
-Jasper is now almost one year. I didn’t post this entry because I was so full of emotion when I wrote this. But now that I’ve had some distance from it I think it’s ok –
It has been about 9 1/2 months since Jasper was born. This year has been incredibly precious and now that I am on the tail end of my maternity leave I find myself transitioning to the idea of not seeing him for hours on end every day. It is heart crushing. I am dreading it. While I am certain it will be a mix of both good and bad it is obviously inevitable.
Years ago if you asked me if I was going to have children I immediately said no. If you asked me two years ago, I would have said maybe. If you asked me a year ago I would have said possibly, but I’m not sure why. I think all of my hesitancy in having a child was mostly about giving up my dependence. A baby was something that I thought would be permanent and Levi and I knew it would divide or take over our lives in a much more certain way – making us more reliable and responsible, something we never thought we wanted to be. I suppose what I am really trying to say is that I didn’t know it would be Jasper that I would give birth to. If I knew it would be this little button I’m not sure I would have been so afraid. He really is the best. I’m not sure what he will grow up to be like, who most he will take after. But none of those things matter to me in this moment. What matters to me most is the ability to hold him for moments at a time freezing the deep feeling of love that I have for him. Exploring every sound, shape and movement, watching him discover and repeat the discovery until it makes more sense to him. It’s like learning what the beginning of life is like and in that way it seems that no rules that I have abided by make sense any more. As he learns to make sounds I have also taken on new words into my vocabulary. My baby. My son. The longer he is in this world, the more I realize life for me has started over and for that I am increasingly thankful. This deep emotion has been giving, kind and generous. I am awestruck and when I return to work I am worried all of these things will quickly diminish. Of coarse that is likely not the case.
I have enjoyed this time. I am so glad that I still have almost three months left of it. In a few years I suspect this will all be a blur – but I bet it will be the sweetest, kindest and most generous blur in my lifetime.