Its April and I’ve been back to work full time for three months now. So how has it been?
The first two weeks were heartbreakingly awful. I didn’t get too much advice on how to navigate the change which led me to believe that this transition was different for everyone when they decide to go back to work. The one bit of advice I did get that I found helpful was from Levi’s aunt. She said that I will not be myself for a while and neither will Jasper. It was helpful because I had to remind myself about that statement for a while before I finally accepted it.
It was painful to be away from Jasper. I cried every day, and then called my mom often to cry some more. In fact, it’s still a difficult thing to think about so that’s my trick. I don’t think about it. I have taken to the resolve to not dwell on anything in particular now as a coping strategy. What’s that you say – I have an important meeting that I need to dress up for and my nursing bra doesn’t help boost my well endowed chest the way my original bras did, and my eyebrows haven’t been plucked in over a month – I don’t think about it – I just put on my stretchy black pants (that don’t remind me of how my body has changed post partum) and put on some earrings hoping they don’t notice my deflated breasts and generously bushy eyebrows. This is my life right now. I stopped painting my toe nails over 6 months ago and I can still see the paint chipping off. I just don’t care – well I don’t care enough to make time to deal with it. Sure, maybe one day I will care a bit more about my appearance, but I’d rather work on more pressing things (like getting Jasper to eat by himself instead of me spoon feeding him so that I can finally eat my food while it’s hot) and so my appearance is now way down on the list of priorities. I just wear the same 4 shirts and two pairs of pants each week (that are slimed by Jasper daily) and I’m fine. Or at least my capacity to care has been drastically reduced. My priorities have completely shifted and it’s a conscious choice. Now I know why my mom doesn’t wax her mustache and can barely get dinner on the stove for 6 pm. She’s a busy lady! Props to her! I’ve spent my whole life thinking about myself and not ever did I really think about how I made her feel and how my life effects her life. And that’s what Jasper has done for me. He’s given me perspective on how to have gratitude for others in a much different way than I imagined. I love my mom and everything she has done for me – now more than ever.
I’m not spending much time with friends, or on myself, but this means I get to see Jasper every night to put him to bed and that’s the sacrifice I’m wanting to making right now. I hear it’s a short period in my life so I’m dedicated to enjoying this time for as long as it lasts. He brings me such joy.