I’m upset. Upset because the year is done. I feel gutted and overwhelmed. I go back to work next week and Jasper starts daycare the day after next.
Even though I am really excited to have some moments to think about work again in a full time capacity. Even though I am sensing that I would like more than a few hours break from Jasper. Even though the work environment I am returning to will welcome my transition. The idea of the year ending and Jasper going to daycare leaves me feeling helpless and terrified.
But looking back, putting the emotions aside I am incredibly proud of the year. I did exactly what I hoped to do – put Jasper in the front and my career on the side. But in addition to having the time to focus on my baby my career expanded in more ways than I imagined and I was able to incorporate him every step of the way. I was awarded a public art commission 10 days after Jasper was born, the Art Collective I am apart of flourished quicker than I had anticipated, Jasper and I travelled across Canada west to east several times over, I was shortlisted for another public art proposal (which in the end I wasn’t selected for but grateful for the experience nonetheless), Jasper and I went on an artist residency in Banff for 5 weeks with the help of some incredibly supportive family and friends, and had the best Christmas and New Years possible. It really was wonderful. But I guess that’s just it. It was going so well. I miss architecture of course, but running my own schedule, taking time to reflect as an artist, and taking Jasper to the majority of my many meetings was a pleasant surprise and I revelled in it all.
People are so kind to babies – especially in the meetings we attended and in all of our travels. It feels indulgent to write but people made me feel special, talented and invigorated through the attention and care they showed Jasper. I felt free to love him. And I noticed the discussions in those meetings often became more about the future because he was there, a reminder of what’s to come. It was deeply rewarding.
Before Jasper came I was often fearful or timid of making decisions. Though because my time became a valuable resource I’ve found that the shortness of it allowed me to be more succinct. And to be honest, giving birth to him in the first place allowed me to see what I could accomplish. I was incredibly afraid of that moment and what would happen after he arrived. But when I think back to the delivery room and the hours after I feel nothing but empowerment and bliss. It was remarkable. So why would I be so afraid of the next few months when everything has been nothing short of amazing so far? I wish I knew the answer. The emotion right now is hard to bare and it’s difficult to not hold Jasper tight every moment of the day (and night). I’m lucky – deeply blessed. I’m sure that everything will go well, but the anticipation of it all is really getting to me.